The last four days, my little one has only been needing between 150-200mL a day as opposed to around 450-550ml(ish) before I began taking it. And that amount seems to still be slowly decreasing, too. Yesterday, for instance, my boy had 150mL, split over two feeds, and today we are at only 120mL, and I think that is all he will have.

Can I just repeat that? Yesterday, he needed extra formula for only two feeds. That means that I am managing the majority of feeds with only my boobs.

With only my boobs!

That is the dream.

I dreamt of being able to do one feed with no need to supplement. Now, it is the majority.

This is what I have wanted. This bond, right here. Just him and I.

And the nights? I hear my little one start to smack his lip together, to suck on his fingers, and so I skooch him over from the baby bay towards me. There in the dark, lying down under the crook of my arm, he latches on and feeds while I half doze in the magic of those amazing moments.

Wow.

I cant begin to express how much I have longed for those nights, so filled with love and sweetness, so devoid of plastic and screaming and having to turn on lights.

Even if this all stopped tomorrow, I feel as if I have done it now. I have experienced the side of motherhood that I have always longed for and for some inexplicable reason been unable to attain.

Yes, I am feeling very tentative about it all, unsure of whether my boy is actually getting enough or not (his poo is pretty darn thick lately, so I really am very unsure, and will be watching it like a hawk…), but hell. I’m taking this as a win.